bad/good

I was very optimistic about today. When I woke up this morning, I realized that through some sort of magic I just had a wonderful night's sleep, restful, peaceful, lovely, without the aid of medication. I was going to the doctor, but I knew that tightness in my chest, the shortness of breath, the pain, the coughing, had disappeared which would surely be good news. But then I was in the bathroom, straightening my hair. There were many strays hanging lose so i gathered them up and tossed them away. Then there were more in the back. They told me that I would start losing hair 2 weeks after chemo began and today marked 2 weeks. When a small clump came out in my hand, I immediately put down the straightener, only partly done with my hair and walked out of the bathroom. Today was the day that I have been waiting for. Afraid of. Dreading.

Before today I had begun to wonder if maybe the wig thing could be fun. Maintenance-free hair, isn't that what every girl wants? Not this girl. I want my hair. I want hair that I have to wash and dry and straighten. I think there was a part of me that was holding out hope that some sort of miracle would happen and in spite of the doctor's words my hair would stay with me, I would be a special case. It was silly of me to even consider that. I am just like everyone else.

In the midst of this, I must be thankful. I was cleared to take a little trip to Indiana this weekend. While I was specific orders to stay away from school, I can't go and not stop and see people. I will wrap a scarf around my face and I will stroll into the apartment I miss to see the people that I miss. I will I will.

It should prove to be an interesting week.