2

Cycle 2 of chemo began today....we will see how this goes

Leaving and Losing

Monday again. And unlike last Monday, today was the epitome of Mondays. Maybe not Monday like you typically be thought of; waking up late, forgetting something important, missing the bus, the like. It was a Monday of epic proportions in the strange life that I am living right now. I left Indiana and lost most of my hair.

Monday, indeed.

diffucult

i feel like i am blowing this completely out of proportion, this hair thing. Its so difficult. my pillow had hair all over it this morning, I have been picking stray pieces all day, i scratched my head and got a handful of hair. I try not to touch it. I'm told that this is where people usually shave it all off. I can't. I can't do that. I don't even know if i can cut it shorter. I feel terrible. People are much sicker than me and all I can do is whine about losing my hair and whine about myself whining about losing my hair.

I have a secret: I am afraid to go to bed. I am afraid I will wake up with a big bald spot on the back of my head. I wish i could sleep sitting up. Or flat on my face. Or suspended in the air. Hanging like a bat.

I wonder if slashes get more slanty when they are italicized. It would make sense if they were because the letters get more slanty. but then would it be too slanty? //
//

It seems it does get more slanty.

i made a necklace out of 2 t-shirts today. Then i used the leftover of one and third shirt to make a dress. i like doing that.

i should sleep.
i'm hungry and lonely. I have begun to enjoy the solitude of day now that i don't feel terrible, but i get lonely at night.
i'm going to try sleeping on my face.

bad/good

I was very optimistic about today. When I woke up this morning, I realized that through some sort of magic I just had a wonderful night's sleep, restful, peaceful, lovely, without the aid of medication. I was going to the doctor, but I knew that tightness in my chest, the shortness of breath, the pain, the coughing, had disappeared which would surely be good news. But then I was in the bathroom, straightening my hair. There were many strays hanging lose so i gathered them up and tossed them away. Then there were more in the back. They told me that I would start losing hair 2 weeks after chemo began and today marked 2 weeks. When a small clump came out in my hand, I immediately put down the straightener, only partly done with my hair and walked out of the bathroom. Today was the day that I have been waiting for. Afraid of. Dreading.

Before today I had begun to wonder if maybe the wig thing could be fun. Maintenance-free hair, isn't that what every girl wants? Not this girl. I want my hair. I want hair that I have to wash and dry and straighten. I think there was a part of me that was holding out hope that some sort of miracle would happen and in spite of the doctor's words my hair would stay with me, I would be a special case. It was silly of me to even consider that. I am just like everyone else.

In the midst of this, I must be thankful. I was cleared to take a little trip to Indiana this weekend. While I was specific orders to stay away from school, I can't go and not stop and see people. I will wrap a scarf around my face and I will stroll into the apartment I miss to see the people that I miss. I will I will.

It should prove to be an interesting week.

Today didn't feel like Monday. It had more of a Tuesday or Wednesday feel to it, but not Monday. It was too good for a Monday. And good it was. It was the weather that started it. It was sunshiney and not freezing. All around gorgeous. I sat around and drew and ate too much cheese sandwich then I realized that I was lovely out so I bundled myself and snatched up my book and a pencil and went down to the river. That was also gorgeous though the rustling foliage and skunk scent made me a little nervous.

I made a cake today. Our mixer konked out last week so I didn't have my trusty Kitchen Aid at my side which was slightly daunting especially for a cake. but it turned out fairly well. The batter seemed heavy which is why I wasn't especially surprised when it fell. But oh well. It still tastes decent. Between the cake and the chicken parm I made yesterday for lunch I realized how much I missed the kitchen when I can't stand to be in it because of the smell. Maybe someday I can go to culinary school. I want to learn more. But I would not do well with animals especially since I find raw meat so shudder-inducing. But really, right now I am absolutely itching to get out of school, I don't know why I would want to go back. Probably because i want to learn. There are so many things I want to learn. If I could I would do it all: design, studio, music, seamstress-ing and costume, food. But I would be in school for decades and getting by on student loans for that, neither of which i want to do. Besides, I am going to be lucky to get out of school in 2-3 years as it is. Bleck. Really.

I drew a lot today. I haven't put out this many drawings in a long time. Granted, most of them are just small sketches, but still, there is a small stack of them on the floor beside me. It makes me very happy. I guess that is what nice weather does to me.

Doctors appointment tomorrow in BG. I want to go to Finders but for me Finders spells disaster, or rather bankruptcy since i always drop large amounts of cash on stacks on used CDs. Its a problem and I know that I have it. Maybe I will just peruse. Go in and browse, take in the patchouli incense, float around the bargain section and be done. Don't go looking for anything. Thats what gets me in trouble, having a mission.

Maybe we can just get sandwiches and be done with it.

rock opera dream

I should be sleeping now. I should, I should. That way I am not in bed til 11 tomorrow. But I can't sleep. Every night its like this. 1, 2, 3 in the morning and I am wide awake, drawing, writing, reading, pining, watching, listening, pondering, avoiding, many of the -ing words. Gerunds, isn't that what they are called? I can't remember.

Anyways, now I am playing the waiting game. Really this whole ordeal is a waiting game and this is just a smaller game within the big game. So many is games. Games that aren't even that good. And sentences that aren't even that good because I know that is what half of these are. If I were writing this in a Word document there would be all these squiggly green lines under my, so-called, sentences telling me that they were fragments and that I should consider revising. But I am not writing this is Word. Thus I will let my fragments run rampant and hope that they can be understood.

There is a song called "Am I Understood?"...I can't think of who sings it. I should. I should know. What kind of music business student am I? I need to be up on all these things.

Maybe I could think of it if I didn't have the lovely, lovely Sarah Brightman filling my ears. I don't think Travis knew what he was starting when he gave me the cassette of the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack at such a young, impressionable age, but he certainly did start something. Ever since then I counted Sarah Brightman as the epitome of female vocalists and felt it was just short of blasphemy to cast Emmy Rossum as Christine in the Phantom. Really, if we could go shopping for a new voice, who wouldn't have Sarah Brightman's in their top 3? A crazy person, thats who. And to age like she has, whoa. I'd be happy if i was that attractive at 30 and she is nearly 50. And she gets to wear amazing clothes and be in [sub-par] bloody rock operas. I don't care if it was a bit of a let down, I would love to be a rock opera.

If I were in a rock opera...oh man...my happiness level would be through the hypothetical roof. I would wear super edgy clothes with corsets and lots of tulle and crazy hair, probably white, and I would have a keytar. A Roland AX-7. I would rock it like some sort of musical goddess and there would be a large group of people dancing and singing. Gloriousness. Maybe with all my time I should write a rock opera. But I don't know what it would be about. The only rock operas I can currently think of are Tommy and Repo: A Genetic Opera since we just watched that one. So I guess I could write about a bunch of things, but not blind pinball prodigies and human organ repossession. That seems to leave quite a few open doors.

On that note, I do believe my sleeping pill is beginning to take effect which means I should hop in bed before I pass out at my computer and wake up with an angry neck/back/bum.

Maybe I will have a dream of something work rock opera-ing about. Like a giant attack tortoise.





"Come, Nadia! Let us dance like children of the night!"

better

I think I knew as soon as I woke up today, that today was going to be better. It was. Minus the part where I woke up at 11. And that is not under the influence of sleeping meds. But sleeping meds or not, my strange and vivid dreams have continued. The dreams of previous nights (vicious giant tortoises and extreme home makeovers) were followed up last night with me dishing up a divine meal from Mastering the Art of French Cooking by Julia Child. It was elaborate and delish. I guess this what I get for reading a cook book as well as Julie & Julia. Not the most original dream ever or most exciting to tell or hear about, but I felt so good when everyone loved it. In my dream that is. An attack tortoise is much more exciting, but much more stressful to wake up from.

That is one weird thing about these dreams, the waking up from them. I don't know if its the drugs or what but they are super real feeling. And since they usually have to do with something from real life I wake up and I still have all the feelings from the dreams. Like I had a dream that extreme home makeover was coming here, but i remembered how when they do a house it seems like the people get all new stuff and don't get to keep the things that make their house a home. I was so stressed out about what we could keep that I called the blond girl who always wears pink from the show and told her that we had changed our minds and didn't want a new house. When I woke up I was all keyed up. And sometimes I have a hard time keeping the realistic elements of my dreams separate from real life. So confusing. And to think i used to complain that i didn't have dreams. Now I am being saved from tortoises in my back yard and cooking like a fiend.

Anyways, today was a good day as suspected. The shower didn't take me out and my hair turned out good. When I went downstairs there was a present with my name on it on the counter, so I opened it. And let me say this: I opened it and gasped. Uncle Denny and aunt Lisa got me Nintendo DS! Whoa! To help with being bored! I couldn't even believe it. I still can't. It feels so foreign and strange in my hands. This whole video game thing is new to me. I kinda feel awkward when i play it, but it will keep me busy during chemo which is a relief. Too bad those old people there didn't have them too so we could draw pictures from across the room for each other.

So i after i (kind of)got over the shock of my new toy, I went up to the Beck House for a steamer - delish - and ended up killing some time there. I went to go home and i felt so good that instead of turning onto my road, I just kept going on 37 for no reason. I was free!! I ended up at TJ Maxx, which is actually a bad idea because i always find the most interesting things there. Especially clothes. And kitchen things. Usually for cheap. But then I get lots of cheap things and they add up. ANyways. I might have gotten a new top. And something for Daniel. It was a good trip.

Then after that i noodled around and made breadsticks for supper because all i want to eat is bread and fruit which is bad. I watched a dead show and carefully took the sleeves off of a shirt so we can put new poofy, giant-cuffed sleeves on it for Daniel's costume. That should be an interesting process. My dress went super smooth, as is/did his vest, so I am afraid that the sleeves is where this is going to explode. Hopefully I am proved wrong.

I wish Halloween were every month, or maybe every 2 months. This costume thing is fun. But I would be majorly broke if there were more halloweens so its probably a good thing there is only one.

Anyways, today i didn't feel like absolute and utter crap which was lovely. I hope it lasts through the weekend since I am having company from Indiana.

which is why i need to figure out what i am cooking tomorrow. I am going to tell my nose to suck it up and deal and make a meal. I don't know what yet, but I will, and I will not get sick. Thats tomorrow's goal. Make food, don't get sick. I can do that.



p.s. go here and laugh. then cry.
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/?paged=4

restlessness

Thats what is happening i think. I'm restless. Well, I think. I am not literally rest-less. I slept til noon today. Noon. I have rules against sleeping til noon. And 2 hours after I woke up, all I want to do is sleep some more. I want to do things, but I am either not allowed or don't feel like it.

I need to learn how to knit or something. I'm tired of entertaining myself infront of a screen. There are things to do, but I need things to do them; a gray shirt to turn a big tee into a dress, some black feathers to finish my hat, fabric to sew, sewing skills, drilling skills. I'm so neeeeedy.

The word of the day on Merriam-Webster isn't even any good.

I have a secret. I don't think Drew Barrymore is very attractive. She creeps me out. Its her mouth.

Etsy is addictive. I have spent unprecedented amounts of time on there in the past few days. Yesterday especially.

Soap operas are so dumb.

I want to cut and glue things. Someone wouldn't let me dig through the magazines at the recycling place the other day, so i have nothing to cut.

Maybe I should go get the mail.

I feel like I am forgetting something...but I don't know what it is.

You know in Muppet Treasure Island where they sing that song about cabin fever? That is how I feel right now. I have not been outside the house since I got home Tuesday afternoon. I lied. I walked out on the porch to see if the flag was down on the mailbox. Other than that I have not left this house.

As part of this chemo thing, my immune system is more vulnerable. There are all kinds of rules. Don't be around sick people, don't be around kids they are germ buckets, don't go where there are lots of people, don't eat main street deli (not that i could stomach that right now), don't get sick, la la la. Bah. That means I can't go to the mall. Too many people. I can't go outside and hang around my river because its wet and cold. I can't go visit my man, they won't let me drive that far and evidently schools are teeming with germs that are just itching to launch a guerilla attack on my body.

I thought I was going to be granted a small bit of freedom yesterday when mum said she was going to Findlay to get a few things. She asked me when I could be ready then said I was only allowed to sit in the car. Yes, brilliant. Offer to take the involuntary hermit, who desperately needs to escape this house on a weekly if not bi-daily basis even in a healthy situation, to Findlay then tell her she can't get out of the car. Then change your mind and say JoAnn Fabrics is ok because there aren't that many people there, knowing that the entire, lame Findlay Mall including TJ Maxx will be calling me the whole time I am "safe" in the germ-free crafting bubble that is JoAnns. No thank you. I would rather stay at home and enjoy solitude than sit in the car or be beckoned by the rest of the mall.

So where does this leave me? At home. And I don't want people visiting me. Its just...no. I know people mean well, but it feels terrible. I complain about loneliness, but maybe thats what I want. I don't want sympathetic talk on the couch. Shit, no. I have had enough of that couch. I want to go out. I want to go to a concert. I want to goof off in a grocery store. I want to vandalize things. I want to go shopping in Columbus. I want to go on a road trip. Something.

On a more positive note, I am very nearly finished with my Halloween costume. Its looking pretty kick ass if i do say so myself. I shouldn't say anything, but it went so well (this is where I think i am supposed to say "knock on wood" but i never really understood the point of that). I hand sewed a lace panel and ribbony trim down the front of my bodice and i love love love it. Yesterday I chopped up the neckline of a black see through top and took about a million hours to make about 5 or 6 feet of tulle ruffle to go around the neck and another million hours to stitch it on by hand. But I put it all on and it looks lovely. With black wig and make up I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror. Short, light red hair and minimal/no make-up to dark bob, heavy black and red makeup and I looked like one of those poor little goth girls that gets her picture taken in ironic places like a field of flowers. A secret part of me would love to dress in big swooshy skirts with crinolines and lacey corsets all the time. But that would get pricey. But it would keep me busy for a while.

But now I have Daniel to work on. His costume I mean. Vest time. That should be interesting. And putting new sleeves on a shirt. New sleeves with big, pretty cuffs. Cuffs with buttons. That will also prove to be interesting. Now if only I had remember this earlier. Then I could have snuck out of the to the disease-ridden, germ-pooly heaven that is Goodwill.

Right well i just went and made a cup of tea and completely lost my thoughts.

But i think this cup of tea was worth it.




"We are just like you, really. Except for we listen to Cradle of Filth."

Day 2

Today is day 2 of the chemo cycle. (Each cycle is 21 days and there will be six of them.) So that means yesterday was day 1. Day 1 was not fun. Mum and I drove to BG (I'm not supposed to drive after treatments) to be at the hospital at 8:30. I sat down in a chair and they but in my IV and once again I started to go out. So frustrating. The nurse said I was having an anxiety attack. Strange. They gave me pre-medications then started me on the chemo meds which made me super nauseous so between that and the benadryl I went to sleep. It helped pass the time. It took forever. 8:30 to about 4. uf. I saw so many old people come and go. One lady was nice and talked to me, but not too much, and one lady made me super nervous because she would just stand up and cross her arms. While I was sewing the pretties on the bodice of my halloween costume, the lady beside me told me that she had a daughter-in-law who can't even sew on a button. When my IV was empty they gave me this red medicine that "goes in red and comes out red." Then goodbye IV and I was out. What a long day.

I thought I was fine so when I got home i ate, but then I got so sleepy and got a squiggly belly and an icky head. Mer. I watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith and I'm not a fan. I ended up going to bed around 8 but not actually sleeping. I couldn't. No good.

This is not interesting at all. I don't think i have anything interesting so say. Its mostly complaining and whining about how icky I feel, how much i don't want to be home, how I want to keep my hair, and how I want my man here.

Oh my man. I like him so much.

I think I am going to try and sew today. keep my hands busy.

oh lordy. I am watching The View (which is not a good choice, it makes me tense) and Whoopi is wearing bright yellow crocs with furries. Sick. How to tabloids jump all over famous people for fashion, but they say nothing about this woman?

i need some chapstick.

and a nap.


a lazy bum i am turning into

I usually put words in here in the evening, but this infomercial for a Malibu pilates chair on TV and I want it.

I know it doesn't have flexion, but is this what Meg felt like when she wanted that Bow-flex?

Dang I could do this while I am getting better. Its all sitting down.

I never get sucked into an infomercial like this.

It must be my fragile state. Or maybe I am going senile.

But I still want it.




"Whats that?"
"Its a pilates machine."
"What do you make with it?"
"Nothing. Its for exercising."

i'm turning old

I just heard that Ned, is short for the name Edward. Is that even true? I always thought Ed was short for Edward.

A fantastic 5 days just passed. I had surprise visitor Wednesday night, a wonderful boy named Daniel arrived around 9 and just left a few hours ago.

To keep myself from babbling endlessly on about him like a sappy fool I will jump to the fact that he was kind enough to help me with my pre-chemo hair preparation. I cut it a bunch, my hair. Short. Not boy short, but much shorter than I am sued to, especially in the back. It was difficult for multiple reasons. When I was done cutting Daniel was kind enough to apply a bottle of Ultra Light Blond, which is the colour that I intended it to be. Blond. This is the one chance I have to try it out since its just going to fall out anyways. Forty minutes later when I removed my towel turban, I did not have blond hair. I had red hair, my red hair, just lighter. Not what I expected but I really don't mind it. In fact I really quite like it. Which is fortunate. Its the short I am not sure about. But it will only be with me for 2 weeks, so I will appreciate it while I have it.

My chemo starts Tuesday. I got my schedule and it says it will take 8 hours. Uf. I will get to entertain myself for quite a long time. But I have Halloween sewing to do and German to learn. And I am going to see if I can nick a computer game from the library, even though it will most likely make me feel like a 13 year old boy, I have a feeling these hours will prove to be quite long.

I have mixed feeling about it. I do know that once this starts my hair will leave, which I am vain and do not want, but I also know that once it starts, I will get better. Less coughing, I am looking forward to that. Dr. Brenda said on Wednesday that one of the 4 drugs they will be putting in me will start working right away and I should notice a difference immediately. That would be great.

I would love to snag some Pollyeyes while I am up there, but I don't know if thats possible. Maybe they could deliver. Or that yummy sandwich shop on main street that we went to once. They should deliver too. THat was I don't have to pack food. De-lish.

Or Finders. I wish they could deliver me music and movies. "Oh we heard you were in here and knew you were a law-abiding patron of the Findlay store, so we thought we would bring you something to keep you busy." Psh. As if. I just want to peruse their used CDs to my heart's content.

I think I am going to make jello tomorrow. It sounds yummy now. And then I am going to make home made citrus jello from this big 'ol desert book from the library.

Oh dear. This menopause is turning me into an old person.