Today I realized that I have cancer.
I guess it hadn't hit me until today.
We went to Cancer Patient Services today. We talked about it like it was nothing. But there were wigs and the books that filled the shelves had the word "CANCER" running down the spine in big, bold letters. The woman told us how they would help pay for mileage and medications, how they would give me Ensure so I don't waste away. She said there were support groups that I could go to every Tuesday and that when this whole ordeal was over I could speak places if I wanted to. She gave us books, "Battling Cancer", "Living Through Cancer". She hugged me and we left like it was nothing. We left and I knew I have cancer.
It didn't get to me before now because everyone has been calling it lymphoma, Large Cell Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. What does that even mean? It means cancer. Don't mince words people, just say it. Isn't easier that way? Don't hide the word cancer under another word like you hide your tears behind your smile. Don't pretend. I know.
I realized that my hair really is going to fall out today. We went wig shopping. I sat down and tucked all my hair into a cover so I could try on wigs and I looked in the mirror and realized that in a few weeks, thats what I will look like. And when that does happen, I will have a two full heads of hair awaiting me, one red and long, one black bob. But it doesn't make me any more ready. I don't feel ready.
Will I ever be ready though? I doubt it. I don't know how to prepare myself for this. I will just take is as it comes, confident that God will be there. I have no doubts in that.
Mum actually told me it was ok to be angry with God for all of this. I laughed. Angry at God? I am not in anyway. I don't think I could be. I must have this because I am supposed to. McKinney suggested that I "may even have been purposefully composed for such a journey." I can't be angry at God for giving me what I am supposed to have. Maybe its even an honor? No, I can't think of it like that. No, no anger. None. Am I at peace with this then? I feel like I am.
Its all so much to think about. I'm tired of it. It dominates my thoughts, our talk, our lives now. I have not been home a week and already I ache to have a dinner conversation that does not revolve around sickness. Can't we talk about normal things? Have dad tell some story about what happened at the station not a story from mum about how the first hospital bill came in the mail.
2 weeks into this and i already want a break
lame, tiff, lame
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you are not lame. never think that. this is going to be tough and you may feel discouraged but you are never lame. You are brave and I am so proud to call you mine.
ReplyDeleteCertainly not lame. And always be willing to tell them when you need a break.
ReplyDeleteI challenge McKinney's idea that God wants you to suffer through this experience. I believe that God will work in and through you but does not want you to suffer like this. There's a big difference in say God wants to you deal with this sh1t and God will be with you and work through this. As for normal conversation, you need to tell them that life needs to continue as normal as possible and that includes talking about the lives of others too.
let your luminous and beautiful light shine through every second of your suffering and journey. the end of this will bring you such joy as does the brilliant morning following the darkest of nights.
ReplyDeletei send my love!
if your lame then your child is the president of lame
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